To you my love, I cannot say

Officially post the point of no return with my ex. I’m an idiot.

nobodyloves-no-one — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 22:37:54 -0500

Officially post the point of no return with my ex.

I’m an idiot.

So many emotions right now

nobodyloves-no-one — Sat, 08 Dec 2012 00:17:32 -0500

I just can’t get rid of you.

Then I see your face and I'm ready for war.

nobodyloves-no-one — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 19:02:42 -0500

I need to find a way to stop loving you but I just don’t know how. You’re the air I breathe and I just can’t let that go. I miss you so much. I just want to call you min again and I want to be yours. I would do anything to be with you again.

I keep catching glimpses of the future, of what it could look like, of what it could be. I see a small house with a fireplace with us in front of it wrapped in blankets, a movie projected on the wall. Us, together in the morning, the sheets entangled between our legs as I lean on your chest, a book in my hand while you sleep in. Us, together cooking in the kitchen in our underwear. The early years as I go through school and you go to work and we live happily.

Then time moves on and time moves on. I’ve opened a music hall and coffee house and it’s relatively successful. We’re standing on a raised platform above the crowd, each of us a beer in our hands. You’re standing behind me with your arms around me swaying slightly to the music then you turn me around to dance, just like we used to.

Fast forward.

I’m pregnant. We’ve been together for what seems forever. There’s a nursery in our house. It’s a second chance; regaining what we’d both lost.

I look over the crib and there’s a beautiful baby boy sitting there. He has big blue eyes just like his dad and my dark thick hair. He’s so peaceful all the time and you’re there with me standing over him glowing. You turn to kiss me. Time stands still.

You’re my forever. I know I’m never going to be happy with someone else. This feeling that you’ve left me with, it’s a big gaping hole and no one can fill it.

I miss you holding me tight throughout the night. I miss the comforting feeling of your warm breath hitting the back of my head. I miss the way your beard would scratch me when you kissed me.

I go through my day to day routine and you’re never far from me. You’re always there in the back of my head, haunting every thought.

Getting through

nobodyloves-no-one — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 23:26:32 -0500

I got through the anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant.

I got through the anniversary of the day we almost fell apart.

I got through the day of purgatory.

I got through the anniversary of the day of hell when you broke up with me.

Now I just have to get through the day my miscarriage happened.

And somehow continue on getting through the days without you.

Getting together with old friends

nobodyloves-no-one — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 14:15:27 -0400

I’m excited, I’ve missed these people.

I need sleep

nobodyloves-no-one — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 23:37:05 -0400

Day has been confusing and stressful.

Confusion of the best and worst sort.

nobodyloves-no-one — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 23:27:13 -0400

Loving you, its like being blind moving through a maze, I’m left completely lost and dazed by you. I know that what were doing right now doesn’t mean anything to you, that it’s purely physical but I wish it meant more. I hope it means more. I want nothing more than to be with you. But I need to know if my waiting is in vain because if it is, I could have a chance at happiness that I would allow to skip away. Please just let me know…please let it be the answer I want to hear…

I'm not that girl.

nobodyloves-no-one — Wed, 23 May 2012 19:02:20 -0400

I’m not that girl you used to know. I don’t just sit around and complain about how bitterly unfair life is. I have a completely different attitude and view on life. I never really was that girl. It’s sad that you saw me that way.

I love life. I really do. Yes there are times I get tired but everyone does. And yes I complain but so does everyone else. And most of the time I had good reason to complain.

I just wish you could see me for who I really am. The girl who still loves you after all this time and would do anything for you. Even stand by you as you give your heart to someone else.

Forever and always my love. I will be what you need me to be. I will be there. It’s you. Since the day I met you it always has been you and always will be. For if I were to stand at the gates of heaven and be asked what got me through this life my answer would be you.

I still do love you.

nobodyloves-no-one — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:23:14 -0400

No matter how much I try to deny it, I still do. It hasn’t lessened.

It will become so that when the question “after all this time?” is asked of me my answer will be the same as it is now.

Always.

Clear as day

nobodyloves-no-one — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 11:09:48 -0400

Clear as day is how I see you
There’s no more rubble in the way
I can promise you I’ll never love again
because in my heart I know it’s true
The only person I will ever love is you.

I loved you.

nobodyloves-no-one — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 23:44:00 -0400

I loved the old you. The goofy silly you who always told me we had our whole lives ahead of us.

I don’t love this new person. I don’t love the person you’ve become.

I think the old you died and I have the remnants of him and the life we could’ve had hidden away in our box of memories.

I'm revisiting everywhere. Any place that had meaning to me when we were together. I'm documenting it all. I'm saying goodbye.

nobodyloves-no-one — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:19:06 -0400

I heard you talk of wanting to get married one day and have a family. Those are words I used to be...

nobodyloves-no-one — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 01:48:42 -0400

I heard you talk of wanting to get married one day and have a family. Those are words I used to be desperate to hear from you. I said I would never lie to you and I’ve upheld that promise. I still love you. I always have and always will, even when you don’t love me.

I carried your child and lost it. I wish I had been able to keep him. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. I just had a feeling. I named him. I named him after you. Ian Curtis James Broad. I think you would’ve made a great dad. I think I would’ve made a great mum.

I know I’ll never be with you. Or if I do end up with you, it won’t be for a very long time. I’m content to wait though. I don’t mind waiting for someone as amazing as you.

I’m still willing to drop everything for you. No matter who I’m with or where I am. My heart will always be yours.

Life's a bitch

nobodyloves-no-one — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 21:49:44 -0400

I am so impossibly mad with you right now. The way that I want life to kick your ass I normally wouldn’t wish on anyone. I want you to fuck her, get her pregnant, choose to keep the child and then have her deliver a stillborn. I hope you guys decide to get stupid while on base together and have her lose her summer commission and you too for that fact. I hope she has an STI and you catch it from her. I hope she breaks your heart. I want your life to fall apart in front of me while I sit back and watch you burn. That is how angry you’ve made me. That is how much you’ve hurt me. Not even that amount of hurt can amount to what you’ve done to me. Me, the girl who stood by you through everything. Put up with the uncertainties you had about your ex, who bought and did everything for you, who solved your problems, who held you through your nightmares, who made you breakfast in the morning. Me, the girl who loved you with every fibre of her being, who bent over backwards for you.

Me, the girl who you left after she received unwanted physical attention from another guy and was on the rocks from that.

Me, the girl you left while she was pregnant.

Me the girl who ended up miscarrying and was a fucking wreck from it while you were just peachy.

I hope she breaks your heart and hurts you just as much as you hurt me.

Listening to my ex talking about asking the girl I blame for our breakup out. Not a good night for Leona.

nobodyloves-no-one — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 00:16:34 -0500

Believe

nobodyloves-no-one — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 23:08:00 -0500

I believe in you

I believe in me

Though, somehow, I can’t bring myself to believe in we

Do you remember those days when we were so carefree?

When we were just allowed to be

Do you remember that quiet peace?

Can you recall the uncertainty?

‘Cause baby I can

Oh love it’s coming back to me.

I believe in you
I believe in me
Though, somehow, I can’t make me believe in we.

I look around this room

And remember the times we’ve shared

Laying in each other’s arms

Letting the world pass us by

I just can’t help but regret

that bittersweet goodbye.

The back of my hand

nobodyloves-no-one — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 23:04:57 -0500

Lines traced

they tell a small journey

they are those lines

The lines I used to chase.

I used to follow

traverse the winding creases up back and around

counting every scar

in every dip and turn I’d wallow.

Up and around

I go no more

They’re different now,

they’re no longer yours.

I used to know you like the back of hand

I used to know you

and all the things you’d do.

I knew your hands, the lips, the eyes the face

I thought it was perfection

for in imperfection I had found grace.

Never Meant to Be.

nobodyloves-no-one — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 23:02:00 -0500

Sometimes I wonder if love is worth fighting for,

then I remember your face and I’m ready for war.

We come from long lines of people,

never destined to meet.

They say love can conquer all,

even the greatest of feats.

Put away your fears

while I fight back these tears,

darling it’s time to let you go.

I had said I need you more than I want you,

And I want you for more than all time

Then life says it can’t be,

this isn’t they’re destiny,

they weren’t meant to be.

Put away your fears,

while I fight back these tears,

darling, it’s time to let you go.

And this, this is what the water gave me.

nobodyloves-no-one — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:44:29 -0500

Thoughts run and tumble, they go along, appear and disappear without a trace at times only to come right back around. They run along, like the water does, like you do. You are water, you slip through my fingers just as I think I’ve caught you. You slip away to find you’re new destination, never stopping, always changing. I should’ve known better than to fall in love with something so volatile.

It’s both calm and fierce, it’s everything and nothing, as you are now to me. Flowing, creeping changing, holding destruction and life at every turn in every particle of your being.

You are water to me.

I no longer want to be the damn that tries to control you.

It's weird...

nobodyloves-no-one — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:08:11 -0500

It’s weird looking at how much you’ve changed.

To be honest I really don’t like the person you’ve become. To me, you’ve lost your edge, your essence. You’ve been tamed, you are now what the world wants you to be.

Where’s the childlike wonder you used to incorporate into everything you did?

Since when did you become so caught up in social constructs?

It just doesn’t make sense to me.

My best friend has disappeared off the face of the planet, and well, I miss him.